Goodbye

My Dear Sweet Ava

You are all I can think about these days. I’m sure I must be a complete bore to anyone who I talk to, because I just can’t seem to focus on anything but you and your impending arrival.

I had a look into your secret little world inside of me a few days ago and although it took a little while to rouse you from your slumber, once you realized you were on camera, you had no problem coming alive and wiggling and squirming about for us to monitor your well being. You’re little face is perfect and I can’t wait to smother you with kisses, feel the softness of your skin and show you how good it feels to lay cheek to cheek and just “be”.

I know that all too soon your life is about to change dramatically, and all that will separate us will be the distance of a blanket and our beating hearts. The cord that has connected us for these nine long months will be cut, separating our life giving connection, signaling the start of something larger than life itself, the bond between a mother and a daughter.

As you take in your first breaths of air I’ll surely need to catch my own breath at the sight of you. I know I will become extremely emotional when we meet for the first time. The miracle of your new life and entrance into our family has been something I have hoped and dreamed about for a long time, and I want you to understand that no matter what, your life is the most precious thing to me, and you have my word that I will cherish, nurture and shower you with a love that I can only describe as the opening of an entirely new chamber in my heart because I just can’t explain where these new feelings are coming from.

So much awaits you in this world outside my womb. I will miss our special time together as I helped you grow healthy and strong enough to leave your secret little world inside of me, but soon you will be ready to come and meet your two anxious parents and when you do, we will have nothing but the most genuine and sincere love to offer you.

Love always,

Mommy

-nakuha ko sa net. ang ganda nung pregnancy blog nya. parang lahat, sempre, excited sya. 9 mos nya dinala yung baby. pag labas ng baby after 4 days, yung heart nag give out. oo, namatay. umiiyak nga ako nung binasa ko yang semi last entry prior to the saddest news ever. grabe yung pagmamahal, tagos sa mga bawat titik ng sulat nya. sabay yun lang ang ending, di sila nagkasama ng matagal? may mga bagay talagang di ko naiintindihan. nawalan na kasi ako. kaya ayaw ko din intindihin. masyado lang unfair.

"you really won't understand hanggang hinid ka pa nanay", yan sabi nung ex ng ex ko nuon, nung inaaway pa nya ako. sabi nya, maiintindihan ko din daw sya pag nagkaanak na ako.
hate to admit this, pero tama sya.
andaming nagiba nung nabuntis na ako. nag iba lahat, priorities, pananaw sa buhay, lahat. as in lahat. naiintindihan ko sya pero hindi ibig sabihin parehas kami ng gagawin kung mapunta sa same na sitwasyon. (hindi ko na ito tatalakayin dahil...wala ako kelangan iprove or eexplain).

LOWDOWN:parang hindi ka na pwede maging selfish pag nanay ka na. hindi na ako mag eelaborate kasi... madrama. at ang aga aga para magdrama ako dito. pero totoo yan.


so sa lahat ng nanay, saludo ako sa inyo! malapit na ang araw ninyo, at this year, kasama na ako talaga! happy mother's day to us.